Human Behavior Tips
Collecting Rainwater
If it is raining and you put a bucket outside to collect the rainwater,
and then go to a public library and wait for people to come inside and take off their raincoats,
and then douse them with the water in the bucket and yell,
“That was overdue!”
Don’t be surprised if you get asked to leave. And meet a man wearing a blue uniform in the parking lot.
Or get hit upside the head with a soggy copy of The Hobbit.
People don’t like that.
50-word microfiction inspired by The Beatles song titles
Mean Mr. Mustard
Everyone at The Condiment Stand told Katie Ketchup to avoid Mean Mr. Mustard.
“He looks mean,” Roger Relish said.
“And he smells,” Ollie Onion added.
Katie went over and said, “Hello.”
Mr. Mustard was delighted. And not mean at all.
The two were last seen together on a hot dog.
Heartwarming Story
Joe Got A New Ax
Then something even better
Joe got a new ax.
Joe loved axes.
Joe loved axes so much he sang about them when he was alone in the woods.
I got a new ax
Gonna chop a tree down
Love to see it fall
Love to hear it hit the ground
Joe left his cabin and ventured into the forest to try out his new ax.
Now Joe wasn’t wasteful. He used the wood from the trees he cut down in his wood-burning stove. It kept him warm in the winter. Which allowed him to survive the winter. Which allowed him to cut down more trees in the summer. He had that whole “circle of wood” thing going.
Well, as I was saying, Joe went into the forest to try out his new ax. He searched for just the right tree in just the right location. After a pleasant stroll, he found the exact right tree. Joe pulled back on the ax, ready to let that first mighty swing fly when a small bird landed on the ax handle.
This was a new experience for Joe. He generally enjoyed birds and their singing, but he had never had one land on his ax. The bird’s boldness caused him to halt his swing. Then, as if he were in a fairy tale, the bird spoke to Joe.
“My dear axeman. I implore you not to chop this particular tree down. You see, I have been diligently building a nest in its upper branches. In which my spouse has recently laid eggs. If you fell this tree my unhatched children will likely perish in the fall.”
Well, old Joe didn’t really know what to say. He had never conversed with a member of the bird species before this very moment.
“I didn’t know birds could talk,” Joe said.
“It is a well-guarded secret, I can assure you. But this is an emergency, as you are now certainly aware. Its magnitude has forced me to break the bird’s code of silence [speaking only. It would be the cruelest of crimes not to let birds sing.] And only because my children’s lives are at stake. I am convinced that even a human would do the same.”
“I suspect you are right. I will honor your request. In exchange for one thing.”
“What might that be? I will do whatever is in my power,” the bird replied.
“I would ask you to visit me at my cabin regularly and engage in conversation with me. A woodsman’s life is a lonely one. At least mine is. My dear Betsy passed last year. And we never did have no kids.”
“Sir, that is a reasonable request. One I would be delighted to fulfill.”
“Splendid. What is your name?”
“It is hard to say. You may call me Blue.”
“Pleased to meet you, Blue. My name is Joe.”
“A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Joe.”
Joe honored his agreement and went deeper into the woods to fell another tree. Far enough away from Blue’s tree so as not to risk the concussion of the fall damaging the eggs. It was a bit farther to carry the wood, but Joe didn’t mind, seeing how it was for a good cause and all.
Blue also kept his side of the agreement and visited the axeman daily. As did his growing family. Blue and the axemen became good friends, each marveling at the tales of life the other shared. Blue’s descriptions of flying were a particular favorite of Joe’s. And Joe’s stories of life in the big city where he was raised were favorites of the entire Blue family.
Sadly, Joe soon discovered that birds live much shorter lives than humans. Nonetheless, each generation of Blue’s family kept the promise. They visited daily and kept old Joe company until the day he also passed. Then the birds never spoke to humans again. As was their code.
Happy Monday.
Mark
I am just loving your newsletter. It makes me smile every single week. Thank you!
Great newsletter this week, Mark! Love the Beatles reference. I also use Scrivener. It's a wonderful tool and easy to use!