Accustomed To The Finer Things In Life
When Things Aren’t So Clear • The Secret Chamber Of Spanish Gold
One Minute Wit
Accustomed To The Finer Things In Life
“It was obvious he was a man accustomed to the finer things in life.
So I rubbed his face with 220 grit sandpaper.”
— Joey The Carpenter Fleming during his police interrogation in 1926.
50-Word Story
When Things Aren’t So Clear
It was an ordinary Friday morning. Except it wasn’t.
No one knows how it happened, but the world became blurry.
At first, people thought it was their eyes, but it wasn’t. It was the world.
Optometrists were swamped.
People stumbled around.
But not me. I no longer needed my glasses.
A Pirate Tale
The Secret Chamber Of Spanish Gold
I was walking along a beach—an ordinary thing for a pirate to do—when I saw another pirate lying on the sand. He looked mostly dead, but then he spoke. In a soft voice, he said, “Hey matey. Over here.”
I was curious, so I walked over. The pirate told me to sit down and listen closely if I wanted to get rich. So I did.
“I am dying, lad. It won’t be long now. I have kept a secret stash of Spanish gold buried on this island, dipped into it when I needed some. I want to share its location with you. No sense in all that gold going to waste, now is there?”
“No. That would be wasteful indeed,” I quickly agreed.
“Alright, then. Here’s what ya need to do. Down the beach a short way, you will see three palm trees wrapped around each other. Turn inland and walk seventy-five paces. Then start digging. You will soon find your reward.”
“How much gold is there?” I asked. But it was too late; the pirate was dead.
I returned to my ship and grabbed a shovel. Then I made my way back to the spot where I found the pirate. He was gone. It was a curious thing. I reckoned some jungle creature had dragged him away, but the thought of gold now consumed me. I went to the three palm trees and walked the seventy-five paces inland that the pirate had told me to. There I began digging.
I had only dug a short time when I fell through the ground into an underground chamber. I looked around and saw several wooden chests filled with gold taken from Spanish galleons — a fortune beyond imagination. I also saw the body of the pirate I had spoken too. I heard a sound above me. I looked up, and sand started closing the hole I fell through. Then it was dark.
As I wondered how I was going to escape, I heard the hissing of snakes. The hissing was getting closer. I walked slowly, with my arms extended, toward the last wall I had seen before the darkness. I started feeling my way along the wall away from the hissing.
As I moved along the wall, the hissing began to fade. I started hearing another sound. It was the sound of rushing water. The sound was getting louder as I walked. I hoped this would prove to be my means of escape. Water ran to the sea. I could follow the water out of the cave. Then I must have stepped off a ledge, for I started falling.
I crashed into some water and was submerged. Somehow I manage to find my way to the surface but realized I was being swept at breakneck speed down a river of raging rapids. I knew this because I continually bounced off rock after rock in the darkness. As I thought I would surely die from the beating my body was taking — or drown — I went over a waterfall and fell into another pool of water.
Mercifully the water washed me ashore. I laid there resting for several minutes. Or hours, I do not know. I opened my eyes, but it was pitch black. I waited for my sight to return, but it did not. I started to wonder if I was blind. I came to believe I was deep underground, where no light could penetrate. My body was badly broken from the rocks and the fall.
I began crawling until I reached a stone wall. I continued crawling along the wall until I found an opening big enough to fit through. I crawled and crawled until I was utterly exhausted. Then I slept.
When I awoke, my pain was mighty. My insides were afire. I started crawling again until I could crawl no more. I slept again. How many times I did this, I do not know. How many days I crawled is impossible to say. I had no concept of time in the darkness. I could feel madness setting in.
I was so hungry I began to eat anything I could feel crawling on me. And anything that I could scrape off the rocks that was soft enough to chew. I continued to crawl.
Eventually, I felt a slight gust of air. I notice that I could see faint shades of gray. I crawled toward the grayness. It had to be daylight. After some time, the light grew strong enough to be painful to my eyes. I closed my eyes and spent the last of my energy crawling toward the light. I fell into a deep sleep again.
When I awoke, I was on my back, and there was a small hole slightly above me. I clawed at the hole to make it large enough to fit through. With my last ounce of strength, I broke through and pulled myself up onto the ground.
I slept or was delirious. I do not know. But when my senses returned, I noticed that I was lying on a beach. Not far from three palm trees wrapped around each other.
I examined my badly broken body. It was plain that my injuries were many and severe, and my strength was ebbing. I knew I would die soon.
I looked around and saw a pirate walking down the beach.
In a soft voice, I said, “Hey matey. Over here.”
He was curious, so he walked over. I told him to sit down and listen closely if he wanted to get rich.
So he did.
Happy Monday.
Mark